Another thing I'm left with: pretentiousness

I just said to myself semi-out loud "no, no, no, no, no" because I can feel myself getting depressed. But still somewhat manic at the same time, which I think is a first for me. Lucky me! My mind is racing all over but I feel this sadness creeping in. Can I blame this on the weather? Okay.

We have snow(!) on the ground here and it's 28 degrees out. I wanted earlier to go out and get breakfast or something but I just can't deal with horrible bitter cold yet. Or ever, but especially when it's not even Halloween yet. Plus it's so sunny out and I don't want cold brightness. I want a nice melancholy fall day with temperatures in the 50s.

I keep looking out the window and feeling disconcerted. I want weather that either lifts my spirits or matches them. This just seems like taunting mockery.

Writing is calming me down but I was in a near-panic earlier because I had one of my occasional moments of stark clarity where I realized that none of the things I want would change how I feel and though I may convince myself that wanting and not having them is why I feel the way I do, really this is just how I am. And if I had them I'd ruin them/drive them away by being myself, etc. etc. etc.

I should take a shower and leave the house. Even the terrible cold would be good because then I could feel happy and relieved about coming home again. But when I start seriously saying, okay, let's do this then, my mind just shuts that down--"No. Bad idea. Don't want to. Keep sitting here doing nothing."

I hate this feeling of wanting something and realizing there isn't anything I really want. So I'm just left with this vague lonely emptiness and longing.

I think the official name for it is "life"

What if I never know what I want? Or to be more accurate, what if I always stop wanting things once I have them?

I always think I'm lonely and want a relationship and companionship, so why once I've attracted someone's attention and spent time with them (and, yes, sometimes, slept with them) do I suddenly have no interest in anything other than staying home alone in my pajamas watching t.v. (which is, you know, the lamentable lonely life that drives me to seek out men to be bored by in the first place)?

I also always assume I want to go back to school, get a degree, and do the elusive "something" with my life. So why now that I've committed to applying to Bennington am I kinda hoping I don't get in and my life stays the same?

Mostly obviously this is just me resisting change--my life was incredibly turbulent for years and years so order and habit have come to mean a lot to me. But buried in there also is a different fear: the fear that I'll never really be happy, at least not for long. Part of me worries that I'll keep trying new things and being disappointed by them, so maybe it's better to keep everything the same so I can just have the one, drawn-out disappointment.

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I know it's been forever since I've updated, that's partly me being lazy/not having anything to say, and partly because my computer keeps randomly dying for days then working again so what internet time I do have is mostly spent catching up. I'll try to get something written soon.