I just said to myself semi-out loud "no, no, no, no, no" because I can feel myself getting depressed. But still somewhat manic at the same time, which I think is a first for me. Lucky me! My mind is racing all over but I feel this sadness creeping in. Can I blame this on the weather? Okay.
We have snow(!) on the ground here and it's 28 degrees out. I wanted earlier to go out and get breakfast or something but I just can't deal with horrible bitter cold yet. Or ever, but especially when it's not even Halloween yet. Plus it's so sunny out and I don't want cold brightness. I want a nice melancholy fall day with temperatures in the 50s.
I keep looking out the window and feeling disconcerted. I want weather that either lifts my spirits or matches them. This just seems like taunting mockery.
Writing is calming me down but I was in a near-panic earlier because I had one of my occasional moments of stark clarity where I realized that none of the things I want would change how I feel and though I may convince myself that wanting and not having them is why I feel the way I do, really this is just how I am. And if I had them I'd ruin them/drive them away by being myself, etc. etc. etc.
I should take a shower and leave the house. Even the terrible cold would be good because then I could feel happy and relieved about coming home again. But when I start seriously saying, okay, let's do this then, my mind just shuts that down--"No. Bad idea. Don't want to. Keep sitting here doing nothing."
I hate this feeling of wanting something and realizing there isn't anything I really want. So I'm just left with this vague lonely emptiness and longing.
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