I think the official name for it is "life"

What if I never know what I want? Or to be more accurate, what if I always stop wanting things once I have them?

I always think I'm lonely and want a relationship and companionship, so why once I've attracted someone's attention and spent time with them (and, yes, sometimes, slept with them) do I suddenly have no interest in anything other than staying home alone in my pajamas watching t.v. (which is, you know, the lamentable lonely life that drives me to seek out men to be bored by in the first place)?

I also always assume I want to go back to school, get a degree, and do the elusive "something" with my life. So why now that I've committed to applying to Bennington am I kinda hoping I don't get in and my life stays the same?

Mostly obviously this is just me resisting change--my life was incredibly turbulent for years and years so order and habit have come to mean a lot to me. But buried in there also is a different fear: the fear that I'll never really be happy, at least not for long. Part of me worries that I'll keep trying new things and being disappointed by them, so maybe it's better to keep everything the same so I can just have the one, drawn-out disappointment.